When I decided to run 20 miles, I knew I would be out and in the world for a few hours, running circles around the city. Last Sunday when I set foot into the sunshine of mid-afternoon, I encountered masses of Portlanders navigating the waterfront path getting their weekend physical activity: Running, Walking, Biking, and I even spotted a family on roller-blades! As a side note, I choose to run without music. Music is super distracting, and because half of the time I happen to be on city streets where there very likely will be traffic, I decided it was the safer bet to keep earbuds away from my ears, and I can keep myself from becoming roadkill.
Consequently, ears open to listen for squealing breaks, a honking car, the click or ring of a bell on a bicycle, I end up accidently-on-purpose eavesdropping on many bits of different conversations. If the conversation is relevant, and heading in my direction, I may jump in and chat a bit with my stranger runner-buddies. Sometimes, as I found out yesterday morning, I may be in more of a chatty mood than the runner next to me, and she may say, “well, I think I’ll turn here” turning right as I continue straight… and after she already declared her destination, and I knew we were headed in the same direction… Well, she apparently was not interested in a new buddy, and prefered to get back to her solitary run. Which I totally understand. (Note to my runner friends – Please just ask for some peace if my chattiness is just too much for 6am. I will still enjoy my time running with you). 🙂
Last Sunday, as I was rounding the East waterfront on the long stretch which normally is quite desolate, I was surrounded by people. And as two bikers came up from behind me at a steady, yet not too fast, pace, I was able to hear the gentleman telling his friend: “I wonder if someday I’ll have kids, and, like, be boring.”
When I heard this particular gentleman in all spandex-y bike gear riding at a mild (yet quick) pace with a lady in similar garb, I laughed. Chances are, this man will never be boring, and my guess is, having children would only increase the level of his interestingness. True, he may have a little less time for his favorite activities, but from what I have learned from friends having children is that they are so incredibly taken by their kids – so incredibly fulfilled having these little people in their lives that I can only adore and admire them for the journey they have chosen.
After my initial giggle at my eavesdropped glimpse of a conversation, I started thinking…
What if I never have kids and I’m … unable to ever connect on that level with my friends or my sister who have embraced motherhood?
Truthfully, I have never felt the gnawing pull of “the biological clock” to have children as many of my girlfriends have experienced. And at 32, I am beginning to wonder if I have a clock that will tick and someday make me crazy for kiddos, or if I will just glide through life happy as a clam, happy as I am. The cool aunt-to-be.
It’s a funny thing – discussing Motherhood and having babies with family and friends, they’re always quick to reassure you that you will one day have your own kids with the classic line: “not to worry, you’ll meet someone someday, and have kids of your own.”
Well… what if I don’t? (anyone else hear the crickets?)
Would that make me boring? These days many couples are choosing not to have children or even adopt, these days. Living life free, and free from worry of procreation in order to carry on the family name. They can travel, work crazy hours, have many hobbies, move to a different state or country, and not feel tied down or have to uproot a child from their life at school. All of these variables can make a person start thinking crazy. I mean, really, I’m not even sure I want a baby. Ever. Is that bad?
If I let myself ponder the idea… I am captivated by one thing specifically: there is that bond. That special recognition that you see between a baby and her Mother. They just have that … something. The twinkle in the eye as that slow, wide mouth grin spreads over that little one’s face and he reaches toward Mama’s face… It’s enviable. To have someone in your life to love and be loved by so unconditionally… And to be able to show that little person the world, nurture them, and teach them that their dreams really can come true… Wide eyes full of possibility. Simply awe-inspiring.
At this point, who knows what my future brings. I know there is something about having this relationship with a tiny person, and I am very happy to get to explore it (a little) vicariously through my friends with babes, and in my new adventure as an auntie. Today, I am content as I am: Single, childless, pondering life’s possibilities, and free to stay up until midnight writing a blog post and get up early with the sun to go for a run. 🙂