Day 11: Challenges in Daily Writing and Thoughts on Fear

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Not two weeks into NaBloPoMo, my drive to write is waning.  Last night, exhausted after a long weekend of catch-up after a week of travel out of the country, I decided sleep was more important than posting.  I had actually started a post, and neglected finishing my thoughts.

… and I’ve been thinking about this with a little regret all day long.

I chose to join NaBloPoMo, and commit to writing everyday on my blog for a simple 30 days, and I didn’t take the time to sit for ten minutes and get some words on ‘paper’?  I admit, I was disappointed in myself for not keeping the schedule.

Throughout my life, I have eagerly committed to projects, groups, activities, and often found myself … slacking, letting go, giving up half-way through these projects due to lack of interest, frustration, or… fear.  Fear of doing something wrong, making something look bad, or worse, becoming visible to the rest of the world and possibly being rejected. 

I admit, this is going a little deeper than a miss on a blog post, but hear me out.  I am literally dying inside to paint.  The urge and need and desire to use water and a brush to make something beautiful on paper is slowly tightening its choke hold around my neck, and I fear if I do not soon grab a brush and just go for it my larynx will be crushed and I will suffocate.  But the cold, heart-stopping, hand-stilling fear keeps me from even trying to paint.

It is an irrational fear.  Excepting me, no one will see these paintings, at least for now.  There is absolutely noting to be afraid of but fear itself.  The feeling is difficult to work through, and understandably keeps many of us from really trying to dance, sing, go for that dream job, or simply paint.

The thing we must learn is that by waiting, postponing, not doing these activities that we desire (that very likely will bring us great joy – or a great lesson), we put off learning more about our own nature, and allowing ourselves to fully embrace who we are in this moment, denying ourselves happiness.

To be perfectly honest, I have no fear about sharing my thoughts with you, the reader of alwayslovinglife.com, and I am happy to be able to say what I need to, for my own growth as an individual and a writer.  Blogging is not scary for me.  Here I am, putting myself out for the world to read and judge (if they can find me), and this does not give me cause for pause at all.  But sitting down with a brush and a pad of paper alone can almost cause my teeth to chatter in cold, hard fear.

I think that these feelings can be a good compass.  When we feel irrationally fearful of something that we desire, it shows us the degree to which it matters to our heart, the level to which we will feel rejected if our art/song/words/thoughts/choreographed dance are not accepted by others.

So, on this day, Monday the eleventh of November, 2013, I vow to paint before the end of the month.  I also vow to complete a blog post each day this month because these things matter to me, can cause a little fearfulness, and in their doing, hopefully, will always bring great joy.

What has your fear kept you from accomplishing?

with joy,
~Alaina

10 thoughts on “Day 11: Challenges in Daily Writing and Thoughts on Fear

  1. Good for you. I understand what you’re saying about the painting. For me I would fear that the product is so far inferior to my vision that I would feel disappointed and frustrated. I’m not saying that’s the case for you, but frequently that’s why I avoid creating something. Ugly perfectionism gets in the way of allowing myself space to learn and grow. I think that setting a goal and making it public helps push you in the direction you want to go. Good luck!
    BB

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    1. Thank you so much for the encouragement! I would agree, perfectionism stops me in my tracks quite frequently.

      Learning to push through that breaking point will be the long-awaited “ah-ha” moment!

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  2. Recently, I’ve been doing so much of what I enjoy that I began to resent it, becoming a bit burned out and simply tired. Singing and going to hear others has become my “thing”. But my normal sleep/work schedule runs contrary to that nighttime activity (I’m up at 5:30 most mornings), and so it doesn’t take long to hit the wall and fun things stop being fun and become a burden. Then I stop the physical workouts, knowing that if I push while exhausted, I will be harming myself instead of helping.

    But with some good rest, the flame ignites again and I’m off teaching myself and preparing for another singing opportunity. I’ve also learned the hard way to not “wing it” when performing, but to spend hours by myself working out the details before I present it to even a piano-bar crowd.

    You have such a creative river flowing through you! I’ve watched you face goals/fears, take steps towards towards them, then run at them. That is the stuff of life, and you open so many vistas by that courage.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate to burning the candle at both ends in pursuit of health, happiness, and the day job. You are a phenomenal singer, and your dedication shows in each performance. Someday soon, I hope to take to the stage with you! Still finding my balance amidst all the tasks of daily life.

      Thank you for seeing me, and for sharing. I know I have many steps more to take to reach the point where I will feel I have succeeded, and it is encouraging to know that you perceive some progress. I appreciate your kind words.

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          1. Yep! I’ll start refreshing on the lyrics again. There’s a piano bar and also a Christmas party at Tony’s next month, depending on when you’d like to sing. We’ll need to figure out what key, and maybe practice together. We can work out the details via text or FB messaging, or phone.

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  3. I love to paint too! So many “important” things seem to get in the way. So if you can paint before the months end, so can I. Watch out craftroom, I am going to attack you before the week’s end!

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